S Pink Premium Pointer Bio-Tagebuch (nur 3% Fantasie): Stupid
People used to remind me that "not everything's either black or white", but that doesn't mean they don't exist.
Because, where is all that grey coming from?

Samstag, 19. April 2014

Stupid

What the fuck do I expect?
Do I really think it would help me, getting back there?
Do I really think it could be something close to what it was?
Wouldn't it just be a series of painful flashbacks making it more difficult and more fucked up than it already is?

How can I expect that I am ever going to hear from her again?
Why would she want to have anything to do with me ever again?

I may be an agent of chaos in some way. I'm definitely no provider of a peaceful and quiet life, even though I'm a nerd who avoids daylight and prefers to stay inside. I see myself as a quite decent guy. I never hit a girl and never cheated on a girlfriend, nor would I do such a thing. Hell, I don't even wanna argue because it feels terribly like becoming what I never wanted to be, my parents.
Yet all of this seems worthless, not good enough.
Why?! Why does it have to be like this? What have I done?!
I feel like all those little mistakes I make add up to a large-enough sum to make me a worthy contender for the golden asshole.
WHY?!
...
How the fuck should I know.
It's a fucked up world with a lot of fucked up people in it. Why should I be the one who gets spared of all of its sickness?
Life is a struggle, a permanent fight.
I don't wanna fight.
I don't think it's right.
I don't think it necessary.
But you have to. Fight or die.
Yet when you really want to, you get told that it's wrong.
You're not supposed to enjoy your fight.
You're supposed to at least pretend to like the fight others force on you, make the best out of it, be happy.

...

Damn, I got way too much time on hand.
I really hope I can get a job, save some money and move out of here into my own apartment ASAP.
But then what?

Somehow it doesn't really feel like starting something new anymore.
More and more it's beginning to feel like I'm just picking up the pieces and start putting together the same old crap that got shattered. As soon as I achieved something I want more.
I don't feel like I changed much. A part of me got destroyed, probably never to be the same again, but the rest ... .
I don't like where this is going.
I don't trust myself.
And how am I supposed to trust anyone else?

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