S Pink Premium Pointer Bio-Tagebuch (nur 3% Fantasie): What to make out of all this?
People used to remind me that "not everything's either black or white", but that doesn't mean they don't exist.
Because, where is all that grey coming from?

Mittwoch, 16. April 2014

What to make out of all this?

What is my fucking problem?
Just what exactly is this shit?
Why can't I see people for what they really are?
Most of all I ask myself why I can't just love the wolf.

I can't.
I just can't.
I'm blocked.
But WHY, damnit?!
I spent a whole weekend in her lair and found out more awesome stuff than another me could've ever imagined: she's a huge fan of "Babylon 5"; we talked about human nature and where mankind "should go" until we started moving in circles and had reached the inevitable impass; we even discussed the logic of the Terminator franchise and the problems it had right from the start, especially when you don't see time as a straight line like Hollywood usually does.
Also she seems to be one, if not THE most de-accelerated person I know, totally smooth, avoiding stress where and when ever she can.
Additionally she's the first girl in YEARS who just kept building on whatever crap I was talking. I got ever stupider and more unlikely, but nevertheless more logical as we kept fantasising about "808". (It's an insider gag. Please, don't ask. XD )
So why can't I just love or at least concentrate more on her?!
Why does my mind have to be that occupied?
Why am I somehow still waiting for My Queen?
Why do I have to draw parallels and then end up favoriting someone who's forsaken me?!
That doesn't seem right to me at all.
Then again, what does?

Being there with her didn't really remind me on anything.
I was able to fall asleep without thinking about anything in particular. I just slept. That's a thing I wasn't able to do for more than two and a half years.
Back home I couldn't help but to force myself to stay awake for as long as I could, exhausting myself in order to make it easier to fall asleep. Didn't work. All kinds of thoughts and feelings started messing with my head again, and eventually resulted in tears once more.
I really don't know what to make out of all this.
I don't know how to move on.
I'm confused.
I need guidance.
But to let someone guide me I'd need the ability to trust first.
And how am I gonna achieve that?

-

On a lighter note, I'm figuring out more and more how to chew properly with my dentures.
HA! I even clean them every day since I got them, sometimes twice a day. Haven't been brushing my teeth this persistently for twenty years or so.  ^^

-

Edit:
Finally added more parts to the diary section of this site, December 2013.
Think it will take me a while until I'm able to add something from before October 2013. Some of it has the potential to bring back my worst nightmares or, even worse, altered versions of them which I can't handle 'cause I'm not used to them.
Reading back about what happened, what I thought about it and how it felt, can be helpful, but it's double-edged blade. There's a thin line between enough and too much, and it gets crossed far too easy without you knowing about it ... well, until you're trying to sleep, that is.

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