S Pink Premium Pointer Bio-Tagebuch (nur 3% Fantasie): Alles neu macht der Mai, AM ARSCH!
People used to remind me that "not everything's either black or white", but that doesn't mean they don't exist.
Because, where is all that grey coming from?

Freitag, 2. Mai 2014

Alles neu macht der Mai, AM ARSCH!

How is all of this gonna turn out?

On one side, the wolf provided me with a great relief.
She told me that she's not physically attracted to me, and that's good. I like the honesty. At the same time it's blowing some thoughts out of my head which were caused by a few mixed signals I got ... or at least thought I'd have gotten. ^^ It definitely prevented me from trying "something stupid" next time. It prevented me from doing something wrong. I know that she would've stopped me if she also wouldn't have been convinced of doing the right thing. But just the thought of possibly making a move, that she wouldn't have wanted me to make, terrifies me. I don't want to "force" a girl/woman or even just make her feel "forced". I hate it. After what happened, I'm sure that I couldn't live with the guilt. Rapists are amongst the most despicable things I can think of. And being a part of them, even if it's just remotely, disgust me.
Thankfully that's not the case.
Clearity, certainty is a beautiful thing. :)

On the other hand, spending another weekend with her left me more confused than ever.
I like her. I really do. Yet something keeps me from loving her. I couldn't love her, and maybe that's better this way, disregarding that it would be all in vain anyway because of the reason mentioned above. It's just that ... I know that I'd need someone like her, but I also know that I don't actually want someone like her. I mean, of course I want someone as understanding and thoughtful and relaxed, but ... I don't know how to say it. It's just that ... something's missing. I don't feel that awesomeness that I'm longing for, as stupid as it may sound.
Also I think that one of the main reasons, why I enjoy being with her so much, is that it doesn't remind me on anything. Now what if that would be gone some time in the future? What if I would achieve enough emotional distance from my past, begin to feel different and start growing bored of the things she provides me with, even though those where exactly the things which I once loved most about her?
I know, I'm torturing my mind over unlaid eggs, but that's just how my mind works.
Additionally, I know that that awesomeness is somewhere out there. And exactly that's the problem, because now I want to regain it. Thing is, I don't even know if I'm asking for too much. Especially since I found out that this particular kind of "you make me feel how I want to feel" wasn't real back then. Yet I keep thinking that if there's a negative variation of something then there's got to be a positive counterpart as well. It's just how my mind works ... sometimes.
Simultaneously I'm waiting for a sign from my Queen.
Hope does die last, but uncertainty is a cruel thing.

I often try to imagine what it would be like if I ever happen to see her again, mostly when I'm trying to sleep. There's only one reaction I can think of: I'd probably be paralyzed with fear, not able to speak only a single word because it could be the very last she'd ever hear from me. The only way I can imagine myself is being afraid of just to breath, because it could result in losing her again. In my fantasy I faint, because there's no way for me to think of any other possible outcome. The situation itself is just too frightening.
So, in a way it's quite right that she doesn't answer me at all. Pretty much any kind of reaction would bear the potential to devastate me, be it for better or for worse.

I don't know why, but I wanna share my trying-to-fall-asleep routine with you.
I picture myself in the engine room of a spaceship. It's a rather old but powerful and quite efficient engine. It went out of production decades ago, but I'm one of the few mechanics who knows how to treat "the diva". Apart from the engine noise, the machine room is quiet - no other people; I'm sort of my own boss "down there". I know what to do and when to do it. I know what's possible and what not. It's a limited little world, but I'm happy. Yet there's nothing more comforting than the knowledge of being loved by the girl who smuggled herself on the ship and is now keeping me company. The others decided to tolerate her for as long as she can make herself useful on board, so she decided to help me out in the engine room because she's also interested in the old but reliable technology. We came to know each other, and over time we grew closer and closer and learned that we could absolutely trust each other.
Whenever I can't sleep I try to think myself into her arms, and more often than not I'm able to let myself drift away to a place where nothing seems to matter anymore, except for her love. I feel accepted. I feel safe.
(See? Even in my fantasy I'm an introverted nerdy weirdo and wouldn't really wanna have it any other way. I wanna find a way to deal with it; wanna find someone who's capable of dealing with me.)
Childisch? Naive? Overly romantic? Misguided?
Maybe.

What I see as one of my biggest problems is that just can't let go.
When I like something then I want to have it, forever. I don't want it to go away or even just change. With the things I love it's all the more intense.
I don't know what to do about it.
I don't even know if I should do something about it, even though most of the time all it does is hurt and raise more and more questions.
I don't know what to do, so I just do ... something, in order to do ... somehting, because the only wrong thing to do is nothing.
I'm still just a clueless child flayling around in the dark, desperately trying to find a way out, to light, to an answer.
I need guidance by someone I can trust.
How to trust?
What is real and what is just my very own perception of things?
Where and when do the lies end and the honesty begin?
How am I supposed to know?
I'm confused, if not to say completely fucked up.
Why can't somebody just take my hand and walk away with me.
And even if, will I be able accept it? I mean, it wouldn't be the first time that I simply slap away a helping hand, back off and run, only to realize afterwards how incredibly stupid that was.

Why can't I just let it be?
1st of May.
Two years ago she picked up her stuff from my apartment and left.
Stupid bitch. Fuckin' stupid fuckin' bitch.
Fuck her! I mean it!
FUCK! HER!
EVERYONE! JUST FUCK HER! Or don't. I don't care.
...
I just miss the way you made me feel.

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