S Pink Premium Pointer Bio-Tagebuch (nur 3% Fantasie): The Story So Far IV
People used to remind me that "not everything's either black or white", but that doesn't mean they don't exist.
Because, where is all that grey coming from?

Freitag, 11. Juli 2014

The Story So Far IV

Since days, weeks even, I'm sitting here wondering if that ... thing, the "DiAMETER" still exists.
I don't even know that for sure. And if I knew, what would it help?
Uncertainty keeps taking its toll.

Since the last update regarding my life, quite some things have happened.
I got my ass up again ... well, at least for a few months.

Last November I got myself officially registered as being unemployed at the department for unemployment ... or whatever it's called. As the cashflow from social services started, I got myself some shiny new teeth (THAT was actually the best part of it all. I don't think I've ever looked this good, also eating is fun again. :D ), went to see a psychiatrist, started taking antidepressants, went looking for a job. I got myself access to the internet via a prepaid mobile internet stick, started this blog, and got back in touch with some of those wonderful people online whom I've missed and even some new ones.
I made the "DiAMETER" in order to express how sorry I am for ... well, what I am. I also hoped to provoke at least some sort of reaction from my Queen that would help me to keep going, but nothing was all that followed. I don't blame her. I probably fucked up way too much for her to want to have anything to do with me and my shit ever again. I guess no answer is an answer as well. :/ (Boy, do I miss her.)
Uncertainty and guilt keep taking their toll.

As time went on, I fell back into some old behavior.
I started drinking again. By far not as heavily as in 2012 (5-? beers a day; I couldn't bear to face another day without it), but still (10-20 beers a week).
I quit taking the medication. I feel like it doesn't help anymore and somehow I'm refusing to just take more of it to make it work again.
I haven't been to therapy nor am I intending to go any time soon.
I "missed" some appointments at the department for unemployment which resulted in them cutting off the payments. Money will be a problem again some time really soon.
I had a probational month at a VERY cool little blacksmithing company. Yet, since they haven't called me back, I guess they've found someone else for the job. That, and some other more or less minor setbacks got me demotivated again.
For one, I found out that THE most exemplary couple I've ever known broke up and he's know together with my nightmare of a bitch, THE bitch ... fucking cunt. >.<*
SORRY, sorry, I said that I would leave her outta this, but still ... . -_-
(If there is a god, may he make her suffer from an eternal UTI of doom. When which-lord-so-ever manages to do send me irrefutable proof that that this particular prayer of mine has come true, I will never again judge the strange ways in which he does things, be it God, Allah, Jahwe, Buddah, Vishnu, Cthulhu, R'hllor or Batman.)
I broke the promised silence to my Queen and asked in an e-mail how the rest of them is holding up after those events.
No answer can also be an answer.
SECONDLY I had to draw a line under THE longest friendship I've ever had. (Well, looking back it seems like it only lasted that long because we never had that much contact, but be that as it may ... .)

I'm feeling more alone and more fucked up every day.
It's like NOTHING is the way I thought it would be. EVERYTHING seems to be either more fucked up or less promising than it may have seemed.
I still don't know what's real and what not.
I still don't know what to do and what not.
Meanwhile, I'm still just sitting in a darkened room of the m.o.m.'s apartment, watching TV shows and movies, listening to music, smoking, drinking coffee, thinking, writing, crying, trying to ignore my immediate surrounding and just fade out of this world.
But even that gets more difficult by the day.
I hate it.
Especially that stupid motherfucking soccer world cup made me realize that again.
The network is the one thing closest to something I could call a home that I have left, and I can't prevent my home from getting infiltrated by this shit. Twitter, YouTube, Tumblr, Reddit, Imgur, AskFM, Facebook - you name it, it's FUCKING EVERYWHERE!
I wouldn't be so damn upset about it if it would actually be handled as the sporting event that it is. But no, soccer is so much more for a fucking lot of fucking people. It's not a game.
Soccer is religion.
Soccer is war.
Soccer is hypocritical patriotism.
Or at least that's how I understand it.
Stupid fucking bullshit.
At the superbowl there're at least some really good commercials that are fun to watch, let alone the halftime shows.
COMMERCIALS, damnit! Soccer world cup can't even keep up with one of the usually most annoying things EVER! And still, the whole world is celebrating it like crazy.
There's this very particular type of soccer fan who likes to point out how he loves the game, but as soon as the game goes into overtime, because FUCKING NOTHING EVER HAPPENED FOR OVER FUCKING 90 FUCKING MINUTES (the usual), he starts to complain, "Stop it already. I wanna go to sleep," and bla fucking bla.
I don't get it.
Do you love the sport or do you just want to be entertained? Because, you know, there're a whole fucking lot of other, more effective, less frustrating ways to get entertained out there than soccer.
...
Nah, fuck it. I simply CAN'T overstate how much I hate soccer. ...*mumble*mumble* fuckin' retards *mumble*mumble*rage*mumble*

Such examples make me feel like I'm running out of patience.
The anger and hate, all the aggression is sneaking up on me again. It's getting more difficult to hold it back and find something else to embrace instead.
Even worse, a certain question rises along with those destructive feelings, "Why should I?"
Why should I hold it back?
Why should I keep myself together?
Why should I keep forcing myself to see some light?
Did it make me feel any better so far?
Yes, but not for long, not sustainably enough.

Suicidal thoughts and the question about my purpose in this world are getting stronger once more.
I need a reason to live.
Yet nothing I have seems to be sufficient to serve that purpose.
I miss having something I can call a home.
I miss being welcome.
I miss being loved.
I miss not feeling like a failure, a sick fuck who seems to can't do anything right.
I miss BELIEVING it, TRUSTING on it.

I had that once. It's gone now, and I have no clue how to regain it.
I don't even know if I will ever be able to achieve it again.
Uncertainty, guilt, trust issues/loneliness are taking their toll.

I honestly don't know for how much longer I can keep this up.

Some things that motivate me to keep going are the 8th season of "Doctor Who" which is starting on August 23, season 5 of "The Walking Dead", season 3 of "Vikings" and the concert of Hugh Laurie that I'll attend on July 20 in Graz (even though the thought of going there alone depresses me :( ).
Also I've just invested around €150.- into the new album of THePETEBOX that's gonna be released in 2014.
Still, it's getting more difficult by the day to look forward and draw some joy from all of those little things.

CHRiS

THePETEBOX, "Wave"

"You demystified this world for me,
but now you're just a thought that escaped from me,
and you made a lie become your alibi.
Well you're feeling low cos you don't know
that the path that you chose isn't closed
and I'm with you side by side.
And you know you,
you feel like you don't know you're special wave and love will follow.
Your whole mind is made in a special way,
we share the same glow"

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