S Pink Premium Pointer Bio-Tagebuch (nur 3% Fantasie): Where has all that awesomeness gone?
People used to remind me that "not everything's either black or white", but that doesn't mean they don't exist.
Because, where is all that grey coming from?

Freitag, 3. Oktober 2014

Where has all that awesomeness gone?

I had a job that I liked. It paid not particularly well, yet good enough to afford one of the cars that I always wanted. It even enabled my girlfriend and me to move into our own appartment, pay the bills and my debts at the bank. Besides that, it also came with a shitload of other really nice features.
I had a girlfriend who was there for me in pretty much every way imaginable.
I had outstanding sex, no matter how often a day, when or where.
I had many little romantic or otherwise joyful things.
I was able to put trust into a lot of things.
I had friends and other people whose presence I appreciated.
I had fun and enjoy things without having the feeling that I'm just wasting my time with them.
I used to do things just because I liked them, and not because I wanted to distract myself from something else.
I questioned a lot, but not everything.
I didn't to cry that often.
I believed that I was doing the right thing or that I could at least do something right.
It used to make some kind of sense to me.
I used to believe that I mean something to someone.
I had something that felt like a real home.
I used to have other places where I wanted to be, and not only my bed.
I used to have potential.
My life used to have potential.

Now I'm 30, alone, no girlfriend or any other friends for that matter, with neither job nor money or a car, living with a female gene dispenser that dares to have the audacity to call herself a mother, and I ask myself what the point of trying to get up again would be. I'm lonely, miserable. I feel unappreciated, unloved, out of place ... and just plain wrong. I'm scared shitless of life. I feel beaten, defeated. Even worse, I've given up.
Everything that has ever happened in my life has turned out to lead me here, and I just don't see how it's ever going to be any different/better. There's no way that I could be thankful for that, although even I think to myself from time to time that I'm pathetically whining and bitching around like some spoiled brat that just hit puberty.
Of course, it's always easy to blame others. But I point the finger into other directions, 'cause nobody else does it. All I ever heard is that it's my own fault that thing are how they are. I know I made mistakes, but there're just as much things in life that get forced onto you. Isn't it a fucking obvious statistical impossibility that all the shit that's going on in my life is all just because of me? Still, over time you can't help but to believe it yourself. I even feel guilty about complaining all the time, like I'm not entitled to anything, not even that. So is it any wonder that you also start to think about off-ing yourself? Not particularly to make it easier for others, but to make it easier for yourself, because your very own existence seems pointless to you and doesn't seem to do anything for you except making you feel miserable. And once you're gone, some of the people who kept accusing you the whole time are exactly the people who ask "why" and won't shut up about how they wish they'd have known and shit like that. Ignorance is bliss. I honestly envy such self-righteous, fucking stupid fucking pricks sometimes.

I feel like I've always made the wrong decision. Well, not always, but only when it mattered. I feel like I blew pretty much every important chance that was ever offered to me. Now my life seems to be over before it even got started. Like, you turn the key but the car won't start, it just keeps "laughing" you right in the face, "Suck it, dickhead, take the bus. Oh, that's right, you just missed it. Screw you, then."

It can't be all my fault. I mean, if I'd possess that kind of power to fuck things up like this without having had any intention to do so, then why is it so goddamn difficult to turn things around, do something good with it and keep at it for a change?

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