S Pink Premium Pointer Bio-Tagebuch (nur 3% Fantasie): For what it's worth ...
People used to remind me that "not everything's either black or white", but that doesn't mean they don't exist.
Because, where is all that grey coming from?

Montag, 1. Dezember 2014

For what it's worth ...

The Story So Far V

It got worse and worse until I finally got my mind around the idea of killing myself ... if only the body would've followed.
I spent a few days in a mental hospital before I was sent "home", most likely because my case wasn't pressing enough for them to keep me there. I ended up in a hostel for homeless guys and almost lost causes where I'm now waiting for a stationary therapy place at the hospital for which I had an audition in late November. Latest by January 20 they'll have a bed vacant. From there on out it's up to twelve weeks of ... whatever, mostly talking and medication I guess. (I'm already back on antidepressants again since end of October, but so far they don't seem to do any good.) We' ll see. Until then ... endure.

And I have absolutely no clue about why I should do it.
I have no reasons left to keep moving. And hope? None either. I don't see anything anymore that I would consider worth living for. Something kept me from flipping the off-switch, but I just can't figure out what and why. Not this time around.
Thinking a year back, I see myself even lower now than I was back then. Now I have no goal to achieve, no general direction to head into, nothing to hold on to - it all seems rather worthless to me compared to what I've lost. Yet something in my mind is forcing me to stay alive, it won't let me quit. So I do keep moving anyway, somehow ...  not intentionally, just ... stranded, lost in this grey foggy mess that is called my life.
The instability and apparent pointlessness is what makes it all so exhausting, and sometimes even straight up terrifying. Often enough I don't even want to see what's next. I just want to crawl in a cave, hide in the darkest corner I can find and wait it out.

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